I’ve written this post in a specific way, mainly to provoke your thoughts on the topic of hooking-up. When you finish reading the post and have any questions, comments or criticism, please share them below! Thank-you.
What is hooking-up all about? Do we do it simply because of our sexual urges that need fulfillment? Is it because we are looking for some sort of companionship? Or is it a spontaneous act that occurs in the moment?
One thing’s for sure — there’s a constant pressure and influence from our society, e.g. friends, media, etc, about hooking-up. “Hooking-up” is a phrase used to describe a physical encounter with another person. It simply means kissing and making out, touching, or the whole shebang, pun intended. It feels good, it’s natural and according to some it should be actively embraced and pursued. That’s a given.
Let’s talk about why the current hook-up situation can be problematic. Nothing against the act of “hooking-up” itself, but there is something against hooking-up or having sex when the reason and motivation you talk or engage with someone is to hook-up with them. Bars and clubs, for example, are typical places where people can go to meet others and hook-up. Whether people like to admit it or not, people often go to bars and clubs in order to hook-up. And because of this, the conversations with the other person are extrinsically motivated and the bar/club itself is also a means to an end. What does this mean?
People have expectations at these places; to hook-up with someone they meet and talk to and if they don’t…well, they get disappointed. When two people of the opposite sex meet at a bar or a club there’s generally a goal in mind: get a phone number, take them out on a date sometime, and eventually, hook-up. Sometimes, this process can be skipped entirely and a hook-up can happen that night. So with this mindset, you are really concerned about the future and you talk with that person in order to have a physical exchange with him or her later at some point. This makes the conversation fake and disingenuous because you are going to do whatever you can to accomplish this goal, also known as manipulation.
This is why if a guy is interrupted by a friend while he is talking with a girl, he’ll give a look and say, “I’m working here”. This only reinforces what I am saying because we all know work is generally a means to an end. And when someone has been talking with another person and one person decides to leave abruptly, the person still sitting there will have considered that exchange of words or conversation, strictly speaking, a waste of time.
If we truly want to enjoy and share time with another person our intentions of meeting others must be genuine and honest. To do this, we must talk with them for the intrinsic sake of sharing that time and experience with that person.
But why do we want to hook-up in the first place?
One problem with hooking-up is that people have sex in order to get a sense of validation. People attract others just to prove to themselves and/or their friends that they are likable. Is it possible we selfishly get caught up in the act of desire itself and attracting and being attracted to others instead of the actual and real experience with that person?
Could another reason we have sex is to spark some kind of emotion with that person? Could it be that we want companionship or someone to like and through sex we get certain feelings about that person? If sex and the feelings or emotions that come with it is the cause of a relationship, can we not see that disappointment is likely to happen?
The alternative: Whether it be nature or nurture’s influence or both that causes us to have the motivation of hooking-up with others, the pressure and mentality undoubtedly exists. If we meet someone and our “goal” is to eventually hook-up with that person, the time we share with them cannot be genuine. On the other hand, if we are talking with that person for the sake of enjoying an experience and a good time with that person, we are able to appreciate it no matter what happens. Perhaps you’ll go home “empty-handed” but the one time a kiss happens, without expecting it or anticipating it, it’s special because you know that it happened under real and authentic terms.
People in general expect to hook-up with someone they’ve been talking to for a while and if they don’t they get disappointed or frustrated. Instead of worrying and focusing on the future (in this situation, a hook-up), enjoy the present moment of the night out and whomever you might meet and the exchange you have, hook-up or not.