Hello Loyal Readers,
I have changed my website’s address. For more information, please go to:
Part II: The Hook-Up
If you read my last post, and you were a bit confused, this should clear up some loose ends.
What I was essentially pointing towards with my previous post was our society’s emphasis on hooking-up when it should be on getting to know the person and their character.
Assuming we all strive and believe in having a meaningful and lasting relationship with someone, the current hook-up emphasis is detrimental to this.
I’d like to ask a question: what is most important in a relationship? Is it the physical connection, e.g. sex? Is it an intellectual connection? Or is it an emotional connection?
Going off the original assumption, I think it is extremely difficult to have a lasting and meaningful relationship based off sex alone. As such, I think the emphasis should be on finding someone with whom you have an intellectual and emotional connection BEFORE sharing the physical part.
Make more sense?
What the…….Hook-Up?
I’ve written this post in a specific way, mainly to provoke your thoughts on the topic of hooking-up. When you finish reading the post and have any questions, comments or criticism, please share them below! Thank-you.
What is hooking-up all about? Do we do it simply because of our sexual urges that need fulfillment? Is it because we are looking for some sort of companionship? Or is it a spontaneous act that occurs in the moment?
One thing’s for sure — there’s a constant pressure and influence from our society, e.g. friends, media, etc, about hooking-up. “Hooking-up” is a phrase used to describe a physical encounter with another person. It simply means kissing and making out, touching, or the whole shebang, pun intended. It feels good, it’s natural and according to some it should be actively embraced and pursued. That’s a given.
Let’s talk about why the current hook-up situation can be problematic. Nothing against the act of “hooking-up” itself, but there is something against hooking-up or having sex when the reason and motivation you talk or engage with someone is to hook-up with them. Bars and clubs, for example, are typical places where people can go to meet others and hook-up. Whether people like to admit it or not, people often go to bars and clubs in order to hook-up. And because of this, the conversations with the other person are extrinsically motivated and the bar/club itself is also a means to an end. What does this mean?
People have expectations at these places; to hook-up with someone they meet and talk to and if they don’t…well, they get disappointed. When two people of the opposite sex meet at a bar or a club there’s generally a goal in mind: get a phone number, take them out on a date sometime, and eventually, hook-up. Sometimes, this process can be skipped entirely and a hook-up can happen that night. So with this mindset, you are really concerned about the future and you talk with that person in order to have a physical exchange with him or her later at some point. This makes the conversation fake and disingenuous because you are going to do whatever you can to accomplish this goal, also known as manipulation.
This is why if a guy is interrupted by a friend while he is talking with a girl, he’ll give a look and say, “I’m working here”. This only reinforces what I am saying because we all know work is generally a means to an end. And when someone has been talking with another person and one person decides to leave abruptly, the person still sitting there will have considered that exchange of words or conversation, strictly speaking, a waste of time.
If we truly want to enjoy and share time with another person our intentions of meeting others must be genuine and honest. To do this, we must talk with them for the intrinsic sake of sharing that time and experience with that person.
But why do we want to hook-up in the first place?
If it is strictly to satisfy a sexual urge, do we not have hands that we can use?
One problem with hooking-up is that people have sex in order to get a sense of validation. People attract others just to prove to themselves and/or their friends that they are likable. Is it possible we selfishly get caught up in the act of desire itself and attracting and being attracted to others instead of the actual and real experience with that person?
Could another reason we have sex is to spark some kind of emotion with that person? Could it be that we want companionship or someone to like and through sex we get certain feelings about that person? If sex and the feelings or emotions that come with it is the cause of a relationship, can we not see that disappointment is likely to happen?
The alternative: Whether it be nature or nurture’s influence or both that causes us to have the motivation of hooking-up with others, the pressure and mentality undoubtedly exists. If we meet someone and our “goal” is to eventually hook-up with that person, the time we share with them cannot be genuine. On the other hand, if we are talking with that person for the sake of enjoying an experience and a good time with that person, we are able to appreciate it no matter what happens. Perhaps you’ll go home “empty-handed” but the one time a kiss happens, without expecting it or anticipating it, it’s special because you know that it happened under real and authentic terms.
People in general expect to hook-up with someone they’ve been talking to for a while and if they don’t they get disappointed or frustrated. Instead of worrying and focusing on the future (in this situation, a hook-up), enjoy the present moment of the night out and whomever you might meet and the exchange you have, hook-up or not.
Work: Just That?
Most days many of us wake up to an annoying buzzer telling us it is time for another day at work. Work. What a dreaded word. Most of us do it strictly as a means to an end: to earn money. Is it any wonder why most of us dislike or even hate our jobs?
But work is common sense; we do it in order to survive. We need money to buy food, to have clothes and to have a roof over our heads. Because of this necessity we must sacrifice our time and our selves to earn the money we need to live. Work generally isn’t something we like to do but something we need to do.
When we’re at work, there’s no way we can enjoy or really appreciate it because it’s something we’d prefer not to do if we had a choice. If you won the lottery over the weekend, would you still be at your job on Monday? Probably not.
The alternative: This example is quite easy to see that because we’re motivated extrinsically for the money we can’t appreciate the moment of work at our jobs. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
Researchers estimate that we spend roughly half of our waking hours of our life at work. I think it’s safe to say part of being a happy person is having a job (and spending half of your life) and doing something that you genuinely like or love. If your priority and motivation for the job is the love, you are living in the moment and doing it for its own sake. So instead of doing something because you have to, you should do it because you want to do it and still make a living while doing it.
So the question becomes, is it possible to make a living while you do something you like or love? “Do what you love and the money will come”, not vice-versa.
I think everyone has at least one passion in life. Discovering this passion and pursuing it, even if it’s part time, is the first step in truly applying yourself and making a difference in the world.
Do you think it’s easy or hard to discover what your passions in life are? Think it’s even harder to pursue them? Tell me why. Discuss below. Cheers.
Education: High School and the University. A means to an end?
Before I begin, I’d like to mention that this post is speaking in generalities. Ordinarily our society has molded us to be motivated extrinsically. In this section we will focus on extrinsic motivation in education, but keep in mind exceptions and variations inevitably exist.
Bueller, Bueller?
So let’s start with high school. Being 17 and 18 years old can be a fun and yet difficult time. We’re pressured in many different ways. We’re told to go to Prom, we’re pressured to find a clique of friends, but most importantly we’re told to apply to colleges. College is quite an emphasized word in high school. We’re told that we should get good grades so we can get accepted in to a college or a university. Without a college diploma it is harder to get a good job or a job that pays as good as someone who does have a degree. The statistics show that someone who has a degree will earn more money in their lifetime than someone who doesn’t. Our motivation in high school for getting good grades and achieving high-test scores tend to become extrinsic.
And once we’re in college, we need to graduate because without the diploma, you’re just another person with a resume without a degree listed on it. But not only is there a high importance to graduating but there is also emphasis on high grades. Part of the criteria for getting a job is your grade point average. And if you want to go to graduate school you need good grades to be accepted. Completing college with high marks is really just a means to an end.
What does this mean if our goal in college is to graduate?
We’re not truly concerned about learning. We are unable to appreciate the education. Why is this?
Because we take classes with the easy professors that have an easy curriculum and give high grades like candy. We study the absolute bare minimum to pass and to get the grade desired. The priority and emphasis is on the future and not the present.
Is there another way? While this mentality has been engrained in our minds there is a better alternative. Going to college is a great experience when you can truly appreciate the education you receive. This is only possible if your motivation is intrinsic; to learn and for the love of wisdom and knowledge (also known as philosophy). Isn’t this the real reason we should go to college? Shouldn’t the priority and emphasis from our counselors to go to college be for learning? I think so. Not only can we appreciate the education and knowledge if we are in college for the sake of learning but we can also retain the material better, too.
Mattern, a researcher in education, studied the benefits of performance-oriented versus mastery-oriented student motivations in the college environment. Performance-oriented students are motivated extrinsically, that is, they are primarily concerned about the result that follows. Mastery oriented students are motivated intrinsically, that is, they are more concerned about learning and understanding the material in a comprehensive way. In one study, Mattern tested both groups and discovered the highest grades came from students who had high mastery-orientations and low-performance approach goals. (2005). Pretty interesting, no?
If we get caught up in an extrinsic mentality we lose sight of what is truly important: the present moment. And in the college environment, the present moment is about learning and receiving as much knowledge as possible.
Until next time, share your thoughts on this mentality and motivation in the world of education. If someone is strictly motivated extrinsically for the diploma, can they appreciate the education they receive?
Introduction: Living in the Moment. Extrinsic vs. Intrinsic Motivation in Our Daily Lives
Living in the present moment is something many psychologists, life coaches and motivational speakers often preach. Why? Do they have a point? Do you live in the moment?
We spend a lot of time dwelling in the past and worrying about the future. Living in the moment is important because it allows you to appreciate and to see what actually is.
Understanding the concept of living in the moment is no easy task. People often tell us to focus on the present and to forget the past and the future. But what does this mean? If we’re motivated for the future or what will come afterwards (also known as a goal), can we appreciate the moment in which we live? Ultimately, I think many of our disappointments and unhappiness stems from focusing too much on the future and living in memories of the past.
The theme of this blog will discuss our motivations in some practical aspects of our daily lives and that if we are motivated extrinsically, living and truly appreciating the present moment is impossible. There are exceptions; for example, when someone is serving others. But I am talking about someone who is operating and motivated for themselves on a strictly extrinsic level.
We’ll start off light and discuss regular situations like work, school and hooking-up. Then we’ll move towards more difficult examples in what I like to call the “family dilemma” as well as the difference between your self consciousness and your mental processes.
This article written by Timothy Whiston gives a good idea of what it means to live in the present.
What does living in the present mean to you? Share your thoughts below. Cheers.
Talk 2 Dan, Now 